Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
