Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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