He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
