Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
