As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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