y did u give ur computer a hand job?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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