It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
