Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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