GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize