in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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