So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
