just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
