i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
