Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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