dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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