For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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