i may or may not be watching the land before time
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
