oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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