Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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