i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
