i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
