Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize