Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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