At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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