Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
