I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
