im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
