My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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