I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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