those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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