does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
