The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
