I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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