Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
