Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize