I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
