Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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