i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize