did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
