Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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