if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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