god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
