Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
