dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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