I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
