Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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