miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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