are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize