Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
