you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
