Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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