why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
