im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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