You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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