I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
A+ Viking dick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
